I think the greatest spectacle on Earth is the chaotic and bizarre world of grocery shopping! It’s a place where the ordinary becomes extraordinary, and the mundane takes on a whole new meaning. We all have nasty habits when it comes to grocery shopping. Still, sometimes I wonder what would happen if everyone exhibited the same behaviour that stems from the twisted minds of some of the most peculiar and disgusting behaviours to grace the aisles of our local supermarket!
First, let’s talk about The Trolley Jockey. You know who I’m talking about – the person who thinks they’re auditioning for the Formula One racing team as they whip around corners, narrowly avoiding collisions with innocent shoppers. If everyone undertook this exhilarating dance of destruction, grocery shopping would become the new extreme sport. One where professionals and amateurs competed at the same level. There would be fierce ‘wheel-to-wheel’ battles for the last milk carton, and shoppers may need to arrive dressed in safety gear.
I can’t help but wonder if Trolley Jockey’s experience a form of depression when they realise that there was no Formula One team talent scout at the supermarket, and their adrenaline-fueled spree could only be described as… embarrassing.
The Produce Squeezer Extraordinaire is my favourite to observe as they satisfy their burning desire to touch every single fruit and vegetable in the store. Tomatoes are subjected to gentle yet firm squeezing, avocados endure a gentle ‘finger poke’ test, and apples receive a vigorous fondling that would make even the most experienced masseuse jealous. It’s like the grocery aisle is a stress ball convention, and everyone’s invited!
Sometimes this behaviour is extreme, with Produce Squeezer’s turning to tasting or sniffing. Worse still, they return the item, a victim of their nose-dwelling microorganisms, as if it was unchanged by the ordeal so some oblivious shopper can take home their contagions and ingest them with their next meal.
Imagine if everyone applied the Produce Squeezer’s selfish mindset of ‘selecting the best produce’ to every item in the store. Pet owners will open dog food, let their canines taste it, and return it to the shelf if rejected. Customers will be lining up to take a slurp out of the drink carton, returning what they don’t like to the shelf for someone else to come along and, that’s right, take a slurp to see if they like it. Loaves of bread and packets of biscuits would all be opened with one or two pieces missing because sometimes, just sometimes, our Produce Squeezer needs the second opinion of their companion.
Next on my list is the legendary Expiration Date Detective – armed not with a sword but with a robust magnifying glass and the unyielding spirit of Sherlock Holmes. With a passion that rivals a kid in a candy store, this daring sleuth fearlessly embarks on a mission to uncover the truth lurking behind every supermarket shelf – the expired product. Even worse, the ‘One Day Past Due’ yogurt! You better believe they take this quest seriously, as if the world’s fate depends on it. And perhaps, in their world, it might just be.
One might wonder if they apply the same vigilance to their own pantry. Do they creep into their kitchen, donning their trusty magnifying glass, ready to battle expired canned soup and wayward pickle jars? Interrogating their mayonnaise jar with intense seriousness, demanding to know if it’s still fit for consumption. If everyone took on the Expiration Date Detective behaviour, shopping would take a very long time indeed.
Trolley Graveyard Keeper amuses my husband. They appear to have a secret superpower—the uncanny ability of grocery teleportation, zapping their goodies from one end of the supermarket to the farthest corner.
As I encounter abandoned trolleys scattered like puzzling roadblocks, transforming the once straightforward shopping experience into a trolley-dodging Olympic challenge, I wonder if trolley navigation should be taught in driving schools.
If everyone adopted this behaviour, chaotic blockades of abandoned trolleys would stop us from obtaining our sought-after grocery items. What would our Trolley Jockey do then?
Last on my list of peculiar and disgusting shopper behaviours are the Overly Personal Phone Talkers (OPPTs). Yes, those social butterflies who believe the fruit section is their stage and the cereal aisle is their private confessional booth. OPPTs are everywhere, lurking in the most unexpected corners of the grocery store, ready to regale us with tales of their lives, no matter how mundane or mortifying.
Every review you will ever need on any person, place or thing is graciously provided by the OPPTs. Spoilers included. This is destined to be the reality TV show that outshines Gogglebox.
If everyone displayed this behaviour, music would no longer be required in shopping centres, those with sensory disorders would be taking the foetal position in the corner, and grocery shopping would no longer be for obtaining sustenance but the new, offline social media forum where you learn the life story of everyone on your community.
While these behaviours may provide comic relief and amusement for some, they also highlight the importance of respecting and respecting others during our grocery adventures.